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Is it too hairy? Too bald? Is there a weird smell I haven't noticed?

SNARKOLOGY with Amy Sulam

March 1, 2017 Amy Sulam   Comments

Vaginas are such divas. Hell, mine might as well be wearing a feather boa right now. I mean seriously. And their owners? Don't even get me started…

For starters, gay men have it so easy in the oral sex department! Penises are a piece of cake. Going down on a guy is participation-trophy-level easy. Girls on the other hand? Vaginas are so complicated that, when it comes to going down on a girl, there's literally an app for that. Hell, sometimes I still can't figure out my own combination!

It's always a high pressure situation, like trying to dismantle a bomb. “Red wire? Green wire? I don't know!” Then you realize there isn’t a wire, there's a button to push. Finding the best way to a female orgasm is about as easy as getting through a labyrinth with David Bowie trying to derail your efforts.

Vaginas are hard to bargain with. You can't yell at them when they're malfunctioning: you could cause the vagina owner to leak about the eyes and that's a whole thing. Crying and vaginas are bad combination.

I've had drama with my vagina for years now. I swear it's like owning a lemon. Something can always break or go wrong. You've gotta worry about each part individually: vulva, cervix, labia majora, catalytic converter… It’s always something.

And vaginas are soooooo offensive. There was an Instagram account where fruit played the role of a vagina and the account was shut down. Was Lafayette that spot on?! Everyone is "terrified of the p*ssy" it seems.

Don't get me wrong, they can be one haunted house disaster after another, but it's not like there's an axe murderer waiting inside each one... Or is there? Now, personally,,, I'm a believer that vaginas attached to unstable people are the best. Many times I've thought, "She's gonna set me on fire but, the sex will be great." That may just be personal preference though.

Vaginas require a lot of grooming, especially if you're LGBT. You can't show your gay best friend a shitty wax job and expect not get roasted. I get so self conscious about receiving oral. I start wondering is it too hairy? Too bald? What if there's a weird smell I haven't noticed? What if I have yeast infection? A hemorrhoid? Do I need to bleach my butthole?!

We do so much to dress our vaginas up. We vajazzle, have tightening surgeries, douche. We treat our vaginas like the ugly at kid camp who doesn't know they're ugly so we have to try to "pretty her up." If you don't remember who that kid was, it was you.

We treat our poor vaginas this way and why? Are we scared of our genitals in their natural state? If you've ever been in a vagina you know all too well their mind control abilities.

Going down on a girl is a bit less stressful. I've often found myself forgiving things I feel l'd be judged for. That's another way vaginas are a pain in the ass: they can go all wonky with their packaging. Your vagina can try to escape from your bathing suit

one lip at a time or eat the front of your pants and make its existence known to the world. What. The. French.

My mom is the worlds worst about rocking a camel toe. I've often wondered if it's even an accident anymore. I'm just like, geez mom, you have mirrors at home! (It's times like this I'm glad Mrs. Sulam and her camel toe don't read my column. )

Vagina owners can be real divas too. They get real persnickety when non-vagina-owning humans try to pass vagina control laws. In the lawmakers' defense, we don't have solid proof that vaginas are not in fact full of devil magic. If lesbians and bisexual women band together, we could probably do some pretty solid research on the matter ... at my birthday party this year. But I distress...

Penis owning law makers tend to have vagina envy when it comes to reproductive rights. I mean, jealousy is the only logical reason I can think of for them to take our reproduction so personally. You'd think they had to carry the babies or worry about vagina invasion in super high rates. Jealousy must be the answer. It couldn't possibly be the patriarchy using every tool at disposal to still exercise control over women under the guise of morality, right?! Naaaaaaah.

But those persnickety vagina owners, like the divas they are, seem to keep insisting on fighting back. They want the right to, like, adopt the child their partner carried or get their tubes tied when they decide or, like, get free STD tests at planned parenthood. You know, real irresponsible stuff. Luckily, middle-aged penis owners are there to stop us before we hurt ourselves by thinking and junk. Vaginas may be divas but they're our divas.

When it comes to me and my dark cave of devil magic I want to rule over it like a benevolent dictator. So basically, I want to decide how to use it to torture others and how much punishment it can take on my own. I'm a real diva that way.

Be nice to your vagina: know that it looks pretty and remember to feed the demon who lives in it.

 

 

 

Graphic via TheDailyPedia

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